Once Again, the Onion is too true to be funny (almost)

[acroyear]

Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span | The Onion - America's Finest News Source:

TUCSON, AZ—After reviewing his client's income, assets, and personal budget Tuesday, Morgan Stanley financial adviser Henry Dalton determined that Jason Hutchinson, 43, could make the best use of his portfolio by dropping dead at the age of 62. "Taking account of inflation and the rising cost of living versus the projected direction of the economy in the coming decade, I told Mr. Hutchinson that he could significantly reduce his spending by simply living less," Dalton said. "After looking at his investments, I calculated that he really shouldn't live a day over 62—or 59 if he wants a funeral." In order to help his client plan for his financial future, Dalton presented Hutchinson with several of the company's comprehensive suicide packages.