Lord of the Rings, as written by William Goldman?

[acroyear]

mollyringwraith: Is This a Kissing Book? (Done proper, by Øystein Bech Gadmar):

Isengard:
SARUMAN: Form a brute squad then! I want Fangorn Forest emptied before I send out the army.
ORC: It won’t be easy, Sire.
SARUMAN: Try ruling Middle-Earth sometime.

They get better (or worse) from there...