acroyear | two from the onion...

Family Concerned After Aging TV Show Has Another Terrible Episode | The Onion - America's Finest News Source:

The Stashwick family of Roanoke was "alarmed and saddened" to see a beloved-but-aging TV program suffer yet another terrible episode Tuesday night. "It's devastating to watch it deteriorate like this," said wife and mother Janice Stashwick, shaking her head at the gradual breakdown of the show, which she claimed used to be "so smart" and "with it." "Not only does it barely make any† sense these days, but most of the time it just tells the same old story over and over again. This has been a really bad year."

Anti-Chewing-Tobacco Activists Speak Out Against Secondhand Spit | The Onion - America's Finest News Source:

RALEIGH, NC—The ever-embattled tobacco industry suffered another blow Monday, as citizens' groups challenged the major smokeless-tobacco companies to confront the quality-of-life issues associated with secondhand spit.

"This isn't the '50s, when you would see TV commercials with lab-coat-wearing doctors spitting chewing tobacco right on the examination-room floor," said activist Helen Pertwee of The Great American Tobacco Backwash, a citizens' group dedicated to fighting the rising tide of secondhand tobacco spit in public places. "In this day and age, we are much more informed about the consequences of secondhand spit, and non-chewers are refusing to expose ourselves to it."